Since Matt passed away I have been on a spiritual journey that has opened my mind and heart to a new way of thinking and acting. While living in Australia, many of my closest girlfriends had a spiritual side to them. A side that barely existed in me. I was keen to learn more but between raising two kids and enjoying my life with my husband, I never took the time to journey within. The way my life was and had gone I never saw the importance of finding a spiritual side of myself.
When Matt passed away my life needed something to believe in. No longer could I believe in the forever Matt and I had planned. No longer could I believe that just because you plan for a future doesn’t mean you’ll get there in the end. Growing old is not granted just because you believe its your destiny. I was lost, feeling isolated and alone despite the many familiar faces that surrounded me. I started to question everything, while my world grew darker around me, I needed a lifeline. I didn’t want to succumb to the pit of despair and agony that was calling my name. It was telling me how much easier it would be to just shut my door and close out the world. To turn inside and become bitter with life. I could have played the victim and continue to wonder, “why me!?”
Where it came from, I am not sure. I surmounted an unbelievable amount of strength and grace under pressure, I was no longer the same Kristina. I rode the wave of resilience and it is still carrying me today. With that came an increasing interest in the spirit world. I received lots of guidance from Matt along my journey thus far. The first couple weeks I was numb and close minded, but as time passed so did my ability to open up and welcome signs from him. Matt’s favourite way to communicate is through music more specifically Pearl Jam. In the letter I wrote to him for his celebration of life, I mentioned his love for music and how his ability to feel the emotions portrayed in the lyrics were unlike anyone else I knew. He felt deeply and he was so connected to Pearl Jam that it is only fitting that he uses them as his talking piece.
When you open yourself up to a world that seems closed off or untouchable because of a fear of death then you lose a whole piece of you. You cut off your ability to feel connected to everything that surrounds you. I can’t go back and change the past, I can’t go back and bring Matt to life. What I can do is open myself up to feeling and experiencing him from our spirit selves. I have started listening to my intuition more, following my heart more, looking at the world around me with bright eyes. I am learning how to love deeper, to make stronger connections with people and nature. I can look at my life and think about the pain and heartache I experience on a daily occasion, or I can learn from it and move forward. I can use it to my advantage because I, just like many others, have come face to face with grief. Grief and loss can change a person to their core and I am living proof.
I am still here, as Maya Angelou said, “life is a gift,” so open that gift and live. What good would it do me to allow Matt’s death to define me and to defeat me. Then one death would turn into two, I would become a dead [wo]man walking. Don’t wait for something tragic, like I did, to open your eyes to your full potential. Speaking from a person who let fear deter her away from many dreams, don’t wait until it is too late, in life there are no do-overs. Open yourself up to areas you closed off, truly feel again by letting your heart lead the way. I believe I can make something of life after loss, will you join me in living again?