I opened my Facebook feed and one of the first posts I saw was from Simple Reminders and todays message was, “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done it’s always your choice. – Wayne Dyer” This is the exact mindset I created for myself when Matt passed away. I also believe that having two young children has been extremely motivational in itself, but I can’t be strong and determined if it’s based solely for my kids, my survival depends on my strength as well.
Lately though I have questioned my grief process. Sometimes I wonder if the strength I have has kept me so focused on alleviating any type of pain or sadness that I forget to truly feel what my spirit needs in certain moments. I am so concerned with keeping it together that when I fall apart I quickly try to make sense of it all and find the root that is causing the pain. I dislike not being in control of myself that there are times where I feel so rigid because being strong is what I have expected from myself for so long. It is all very tiring.
I went to an appointment recently at the Social Security Office to finalize documents for survivors benefits. I managed to keep my composure during most of the interview, as soon as I got into the car the flood gates opened. My tears seemed huge and it felt like a small river was flowing down my face (I very well may have ended California’s drought if they captured my tears). My heart sank so low in my chest because all I could think about was how Matt felt he should have provided a better life for me and the kids. He was so hard on himself. He beat himself up constantly because he had a standard he wanted to live up to. If he thought he was failing I could read it all over his face.
I can feel some of that stress on me now and I sit here and realise the pressure I put on myself to stay strong and motivated. I have some life goals I set for myself and I am truly passionate about bringing them to life, it is what keeps me going. But sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, “I’m over it.” I don’t want to think about how different and challenging my life has become. I don’t want to think about whats best for me and the kids. I would love to have moments of complete nothingness. To sit and stare out the window and just get lost in a world where everything is right again, where everything flows effortlessly. A world where Matt’s physical form has reunited with his spirit and I am there next to him. A dream world I suppose. But that is not my reality.
By no means is this my declaration on giving up. That will never happen. As much as I try to stay positive and motivated, I have my days where being strong is overrated. However, I will never choose to be miserable. It serves me no purpose to walk down that cold, lonely path. I know my life is not over. As much as I want to reunite with Matthew, it is not in my DNA to quit. I think I will loosen the grip on staying strong and become more vulnerable; more freedom emotionally. I will stay the course. I will continue to chase my dreams and tick off my goals as I reach them. I will try to stop questioning myself and my journey and take it as it comes. I am here and that’s what matters.