Lately I have had trouble finding the words to describe the way I feel. Mainly I am focusing on getting my homemade presents in order and my little brother’s visit that my mind hasn’t started nagging me about the “first” Christmas without Matt. Of course I know the day is looming but with so many distractions I haven’t dwelled on the future. Plus, I have learned that giving the future too much attention only cause more heartache and anxiety. Since nothing major has happened with my emotional state (yet) my writing feels
uninspired. I have turned to poetry when all the thoughts in my head don’t seem to make sense. I long to get my emotions out but I can’t put together the right sentences or overall message of my posts.
I do not want the anticipation of Christmas to cloud my judgment and send me down a road of pain and sorrow when it is not necessary for the time being. Yes, I am sure the closer we get the harder it will be to keep the distressing thoughts at bay but in this moment I will be present. There is beauty all around me and if I give in to the self-defeating thoughts the point of the season will be lost.
With that said I will leave you today with a haiku I wrote. Yes the tone is one of sadness and in contrast to the perserving attitude I am feeling today but this haiku explains the loneliness I feel every day no matter how strong I may seem.
lingers in my longing heart
without you I’m lost