New Years

Today is New Years Eve. Waking up this morning I checked Facebook and I was immediately greeted with “Happy New Year Sydney” posts and images of the beautiful Opera House surrounded by fireworks. Sydney has probably one of the best fireworks displays in all the world. Australia knows how to put on an amazing show. So seeing the photos and the posts instantly threw back in time.

In our early days in Sydney, Matt and I would venture down to the Harbour to watch the show, but granted we never made it to midnight, we always went back home. The chaos that would ensue always drove us home because we couldn’t fully enjoy the excitement of ringing in a new year together being squeezed between other people just trying to get a good vantage point. The first two places we lived in Sydney had amazing views of the Harbour Bridge and the firework show, so we figured why not watch from the safety and comfort of our own home? Then once kids arrived, we would watch the early show at 9pm and then watch the big show, once again, from our couch.

As I was scrolling through the pictures, my son was by my side. He saw a picture of the Opera House and he quickly said, “I’ve been there before, can we go back?” I told him I wish it was that easy, but it is a long trip. My heart started to ache and a deep longing for my old life painfully showed up. I am stuck in-between two lives, the one I have currently back in the States and the one I wish I still had in Sydney. The life that had Matt still in it.

I sit here drinking my coffee and thoughts of my Sydney family pop into my head. I wonder about how they felt ringing in the new year. I wonder where my family and I would be if life didn’t turn out the way it did. I think about the smiles and excited laughter that many of my friends felt counting down the last ten seconds of 2014. I think about how life can change in the blink of an eye. How life as we know it can cease to exist in a split second.

I tell myself to keep moving forward, that the feelings I experience are part of the process. I tell myself that I can create the life I want and that I am starting my journey to self discovery. Yes it is all fantastic on paper. But where I am sitting right now, honestly I just want to punch my computer screen. I want to scream, I want to jump on a plane and fly back to Sydney in hopes that Matt will greet me like he did back in 2008. I want to cuss at 2015 and tell it to go away. I want to hide from the New Years posts on Facebook (which I can easily do). I want to tell people who tell me that 2015 can be fantastic if I stay positive and strong to shove their words back in their mouth. I am angry.

I usually try to keep myself in a positive state of mind and count my blessings and be grateful that me and my family are safe and healthy. But when New Years are meant to bring a fresh start but all this New Years is bringing is an indicator that I am starting 2015 with a glaring difference…No Matthew.

Here is to 2015 and the hope that despite my current feelings my life will continue to move forward. I know my eyes will open to see the beauty and love that surrounds me. So be sure to hug your loved ones and express to them just how wonderful and meaningful they are to your life.

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2 thoughts on “New Years

  1. You’re beautiful yet painful words are not lost on the ones who love you! As you walk through your journey I only hope we can help guide the way when you are struggling through the darkness.

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