I’ve never been one to complain about life being unfair, I was never given a valid reason to believe that statement. Unless you happen upon a younger version of myself who has just been grounded and she screams at her parents for being unfair…then I may have complained then. But when Matt passed away I used those words constantly. I mean how could I not? One minute you are on holiday for a friend’s wedding and the next you are in complete and utter shock (literally) that the life you were creating with your best friend was over. Life legitimately became unfair.
Today is my sons 4th birthday. The first one without his dad. So naturally, yesterday I had numerous breakdowns thinking about the past and what emotions my son’s birthday would bring to the table. The thoughts about how my kids have yet again experienced a special occasion without their father taking part. I mean every day is special but of course when holidays or significant occasions arise deep seeded sadness digs it way back out. In fact, this morning, another emotion came out of hiding. One I haven’t heard from in a while, anger.
I was angry with Matt. At the fact that he was not here. The fact that his son was turning 4 and he is not here to celebrate with us. Of course this angry conversation I was having with Matt was going on in my mind (that’s totally normal). The positive side of me starts knocking in my mind as I write that last sentence and it says, “Kristina, don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.” Then this battle between positivity and sadness starts to take over. I want to scream and say, “Screw you! I had almost six years with my husband and my kids had 3 years and the other had 17 months with him. We were meant to have a lifetime with him.” Then positivity fights back and says, “Well if you didn’t have Matt, then you wouldn’t have your two children or the beautiful 6 years together in Australia.” Ok, ok I surrender. I don’t have the energy to fight, my heart hurts and I want the pain to go away. Again, this is not me going mental…
Life is not fair in the plain and simple fact that Matt is gone. He is gone from my life, my kids life and all those who loved him. However, what I hold on to and what gets me through every tough moment is the reassuring fact that Matt is only physically gone.
I know I have said this a million times before but if you truly release all doubts and open your heart then you will feel him with you always. Sure it is not an instant cure-all and the pain and sadness I feel is daily. But it gives me hope and security in knowing I will be with him again and he is not completely missing out. Although I would prefer his physical form, but that’s another topic.
My life has become distorted and it is clear to see why I can think that way. And for those who want to come at me with, “things happen for a reason,” unless you know the reason this happened to me, shut your mouth. That cliche comment does not comfort a widow(er), rather it makes us see red.
But, I do believe that life’s problems can seem big or small depending on how you want to perceive them and we all perceive events differently. In some cases I can change my perspective and see things in a different light.
However, being almost a year out since Matt passed away and well probably for the rest of my life, I will think about how my life has had excessive amounts of personal torture. While the degree of how extreme life has been may change as life progresses, but the cold hard fact remains, Matt is gone, thus life has been unfair and flat-out cruel.
…You were deeply missed today my love, as you are with every day that passes. But I close in saying this, I know you are proud of your son, of your daughter and of me. I know you are here and I know you took part in celebrating today. You are loved Matthew…