Ego

Since January I have struggled more than normal. Maybe because Matt’s death anniversary has crept up on me quicker than I realised. Maybe I haven’t been addressing my feelings as well as I usually do. I am not sure what the reasoning behind my struggle and honestly there is no real point in trying to figure it out. Plain and simple I am in pain.

Today, though, has been extremely difficult. Non-stop tears and utter sadness. I leave for my Costa Rica trip in two days and Matt’s “angel-versary” is in four days. It is a daily occurrence for me to have flash backs of our life in Australia but this time I am plagued with painful moments where I see my inability to fully give myself to my relationship with Matt. It hurts. It hurts to see times in our relationship where I should have leaned over and kissed him, or hugged him longer or just cuddle in bed tighter. I see moments where I could have loved him better and my heart breaks. I am jolted back to the first months where I completely blamed myself for his death and guilt took over my whole thinking process.

I had to replay the night he passed over and over in my mind and talk with my friends and family in order for me to release the blame. And while I haven’t walked down the path of guilt in quite sometime, it revisits me from time to time. Like this morning, my kids and I were cuddling. Kaden on the outside, Scarlett in the middle and I had my arms around them. Scarlett was playing with Kaden’s hair and instantly my eyes wept and my heart wanted to scream out, “just come back to me.” I had to roll away and catch my breath. Matt loved when I would run my hands through his hair. Many nights when he couldn’t sleep I would rub his back or play with his hair so he could calm his mind enough to fall asleep. My ego butts in and starts in with abusive talk saying, “ you should have played with his hair more, you should have scratched his back more. You could have been better for him.”

Time hasn’t eased the pain, in fact if I am honest, for me it has only gotten worse. I am sure with Matt’s death anniversary looming around the corner it only intensifies my feelings and emotions. It brings back the days leading up to our road trip north and it of course brings me back to the night he died. I am forced to face my heartbreak head on because March 7/8 is no longer just a date on a calendar, it’s a moment in time when life as I knew it ceased to exist. Matt is not coming back, my kids do not have their father and I am without my soul mate is a harsh reality I do not want to welcome. My whole spirit is drained. All I can continue to do is focus on addressing all my feelings and continue to believe in all things pertaining to love so I can forgive myself.

In the mean time, fingers crossed my trip to Costa Rica invigorates my soul because I need it.