Muse

Some of my life’s greatest work was created or inspired by another. For so long that one person was Matthew. Together we created the most important and special creation two humans in love can create, children. On top of that, while we spent our time away from one another on separate ends of the earth, we each created stories and poems that spoke volumes and cemented our love for eternity. He was my muse.

Just like most artists or writers, they used a single person to help them create masterpieces. The life Matt and I had together was a masterpiece in its own way. The ups and downs carved our history into our hearts, leaving behind mountains and caverns that can be explored for lifetimes to come. I can trace the terrain around my heart and remember what we shared and use it to make sure future relationships are filled with just as much love and devotion.

After Matt passed, my inspiration would come and go. Some days I would have moments of inspired words and determination to continue fighting. Other days my words would be lacking any true conviction and it felt like my only goal was to survive the day. The last few months after I returned from Costa Rica I had a lot on my plate. I packed up my belongings in Georgia and moved to California. The preparation that took place during that time filled my days with so many external activities that my mind started to take a back seat. The time between posts on my blog started to increase, I felt inside my mind that I was lacking a muse.

After moving back to California, I spent the first few days unpacking the important items from my boxes and then slowly I started to stop. Getting together with family and friends became my main concern. I wanted so badly to be back in California among the redwoods and the ocean that my excitement could hardly be contained. But in the back of my mind I still couldn’t put my thoughts down on paper, something I used to help me with my grief. I started to wonder if I had reached a place in my journey where my ability to feel deeply was diminishing. I got what I wanted, I’m back in California and I am beyond happy to start a new chapter in my life, but I wasn’t able to express myself emotionally through my writing. What was going on!?

Then one day, a muse came into my life. A person who brought back my desire to express myself to my fullest capabilities. Someone who inspires me and brings back a part of me that has been dormant for far too long. I realised why I couldn’t write, the part of me that helped keep my heart beating was slowly wasting away. I yearned to feel love again outside of a family or friend relationship. That part of my being had reached an empty level. I fought the idea of dating again because I wasn’t sure how other people would react and on top of insecurities I just didn’t want to deal with the pressure or rejection. Then one day it hit me, why would I stop myself from feeling enjoyment a special person can bring to your life? Why should I stifle my spirit from finding new connections?

The people in my life, if they truly cared for me and my well-being, would encourage me and support me. None of them know what I go through on a daily basis, or have experienced what I have in just over a years time. The constant battle in my mind if I am ready, worthy or capable of being loved. But, I deserve every happiness this life has to offer, so why was I stopping myself from that possibility? I feel more alive and reinvigorated. I am in a state of bliss and I can see my future in a whole new light.