In one of my favourite books, The Untethered Soul, one of the last chapters is called “Contemplating Death.” The author brings up a valid point about how if we were the ones to pass on before our partner, wouldn’t we want to see them happy and not living alone but rather a beautiful and fulfilled life? My answer, yes of course that is what I would want. That is in fact one of the main things I tell myself as I continue to move forward and am faced with new life situations.
I previously mentioned that I am in a relationship. This person is truly amazing and has been a beautiful addition to my life. Recently though, it was brought to my attention that a friend of mine had passed judgement on my choice to start a new relationship. Of course everyone will have their own opinion about my decisions and actions based on their perceptions. Where I have difficulty is when people who are not directly involved in my life, those who do not see my daily struggle or see how I strive to move my life in a positive direction, can have an opinion on my life. That is why I make sure to surround myself with friends and family who want to see me happy and have faith and confidence in me to live my life as I see fit.
My dearest friend made a good point when we were discussing the situation. She said 15 months may have passed and to some that may not seem that long. But what many who are not walking my path neglect to see is that my pain and heartache is not just calculated in months; it is broken down even farther. It goes as deep as each second of every day that has passed since Matt’s death. Every day I am faced with the reality that he is not here. When you look at it from that angle, one will see that as the months continue to pass the weight of a spouses death is felt continuously. No amount of time takes away grief. It is shifts and morphs constantly.
I have had some time to sit and think about the recent negative comments made about my life. I started wondering why on Earth anyone would deprive themselves from the bond and connection with someone because society or in this case, a friend, thinks it is not right? If it feels right and for the first time in 15 months I found consistency with my happiness, why wouldn’t I hold on tight with both hands? I trust myself, I trust my heart to guide me. I was not blinded by my loneliness and desperate to find someone new. I wasn’t sure where my heart was at when I met Peter. But instantly there was a connection, the outside world became distant and all that seemed to shine was how I felt when I spoke to him. I knew very quickly where my path was leading.
I wasn’t going to deny myself happiness and I can proudly say the relationship we have is one built off trust and acceptance. I have never once been made to feel uneasy talking about my past or my love for Matt. Peter has taken the time to read about my journey and listen to my struggles. My kids adore him. So I am going to ride this wave and trust myself. I will continue on with an open heart. It is in this new relationship I am able to love Matthew more. I am able to see even more clearly all the ways he adored me. I see the man he was and the man I fell in love with over six years ago.
Peter is not replacing Matt, he is adding to my life. My heart is expanding and growing and I am learning more about myself and relationships thanks to my life with Matt. As Peter told me, as much as he hurts knowing I have experienced such tragedy, he is thankful for the life I had with Matt because if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
I may be living a new life without Matt, but I carry him with me always.