I’ve never been one to complain about life being unfair, I was never given a valid reason to believe that statement. Unless you happen upon a younger version of myself who has just been grounded and she screams at her parents … Continue reading
After picking up my son from preschool today, he mentioned going back to “Sydney-land.” I didn’t quite understand what he was talking about, I thought he was talking about Disneyland and I was left confused. Then he spoke up again … Continue reading
Today is New Years Eve. Waking up this morning I checked Facebook and I was immediately greeted with “Happy New Year Sydney” posts and images of the beautiful Opera House surrounded by fireworks. Sydney has probably one of the best … Continue reading
I recently saw a post on “Second Firsts” Facebook page that read, “I felt so much, that I started to feel nothing.” I read the comments that followed below and instantly regretted my decision. Christina Rasmussen mentioned in her status that she spent at least seven years completely numb and that she shut down everything to survive the loss. Here I am 9 months in and I felt that I was surviving fairly well. By trying to keep a positive mind-set and having my children to keep my heart warm, I saw my life moving forward.
Reading all the comments people were posting I once again threw myself into self-doubt. There were hundreds of responses and a good portion of the ones I read talked about how it took then 5+ years to thaw their hearts and to release them from their numb state. I started to wonder, am I numb and I just don’t know it? So the days that followed I took note of the way I acted and felt.
I had fleeting moments of joy and more moments of irritability. My interactions with my kids seemed half-hearted because I am low on energy and burnt out. I am not sure if maybe I am feeling this way because I’m subconsciously fearing the pain that is heading my way with Christmas around the corner. Or maybe I am so devoid of emotions because I have felt so much that I am no longer able to feel anything completely. Am I reduced to temporary excitement and joy?
I even had a friend comment that in pictures the light that use to be in my eyes is gone. I looked back at pictures from before Matt passed and after and I can see what she was talking about. I want so badly to have the light return but I also know it is not something I can just turn on. I am aware that I own my emotions, that I can change my perspective any time I feel. But honestly, it gets tiring.
I will say this, by reading Christina’s post it has helped me become more aware. It has allowed me to take inventory of my feelings. I do not want to walk through life numb, looking for something or someone to thaw my heart. I am in charge of my life and my heart. I will continue to search for my light.
Warm rays piercing veils
of foggy mist encasing
my slow beating heart
I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas filled with love, laughter and cherished moments with loved ones. Happy Holidays!
I opened my Facebook feed and one of the first posts I saw was from Simple Reminders and todays message was, “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done it’s always your choice. – Wayne Dyer” This is the … Continue reading
No moon tonight
No moon light cast upon me
To kiss my face and tell me
All will be right again
My eyes blinded by the vast darkness
Just as I was to lie down in defeat
But a million tiny stars appear
Your voice fills my heart
each glow that touches my eyes
Is a moment in time your soul
grew more in love with me
Each second on Earth we shared was enough to
Overflow the dark night with ever lasting light
No moon tonight
No moon light to show me the way
But a million soft glowing specks
Burn bright enough for me
Now I don’t need the moon
For I always have you
I am sitting on my dads couch watching the flames dancing in the fireplace when another “after shock” hits me. My mind flickers the cold hard truth through my body, Matt is not here. I literally have to shake my … Continue reading
When love enters you it can never be taken away even after heartache and pain love still remains it evolves and changes into many different shapes the memories of smiles adventures and mischievous desires creep back in from time to … Continue reading
Lately I have had little flashes of moments from my life in Sydney. I guess I shouldn’t say lately, I have them often. However, I have struggled a bit as of late. I have fought off getting sick, I am … Continue reading
Another first is looming like a dark cloud over my head. My daughter will be turning 2 on Wednesday and it will be her first without her Dad. While I’ve been busy planning a little party and tending to my … Continue reading