C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed, “I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate if they do, and if they don’t.” As mostly an … Continue reading
I’ve never been one to complain about life being unfair, I was never given a valid reason to believe that statement. Unless you happen upon a younger version of myself who has just been grounded and she screams at her parents … Continue reading
January 7th was Matthew’s birthday. He would have turned 38. The anticipation I felt leading up to the day was just like ocean waves. Sometimes my emotions would hit me hard and take my breath away and other times they … Continue reading
I recently saw a post on “Second Firsts” Facebook page that read, “I felt so much, that I started to feel nothing.” I read the comments that followed below and instantly regretted my decision. Christina Rasmussen mentioned in her status that she spent at least seven years completely numb and that she shut down everything to survive the loss. Here I am 9 months in and I felt that I was surviving fairly well. By trying to keep a positive mind-set and having my children to keep my heart warm, I saw my life moving forward.
Reading all the comments people were posting I once again threw myself into self-doubt. There were hundreds of responses and a good portion of the ones I read talked about how it took then 5+ years to thaw their hearts and to release them from their numb state. I started to wonder, am I numb and I just don’t know it? So the days that followed I took note of the way I acted and felt.
I had fleeting moments of joy and more moments of irritability. My interactions with my kids seemed half-hearted because I am low on energy and burnt out. I am not sure if maybe I am feeling this way because I’m subconsciously fearing the pain that is heading my way with Christmas around the corner. Or maybe I am so devoid of emotions because I have felt so much that I am no longer able to feel anything completely. Am I reduced to temporary excitement and joy?
I even had a friend comment that in pictures the light that use to be in my eyes is gone. I looked back at pictures from before Matt passed and after and I can see what she was talking about. I want so badly to have the light return but I also know it is not something I can just turn on. I am aware that I own my emotions, that I can change my perspective any time I feel. But honestly, it gets tiring.
I will say this, by reading Christina’s post it has helped me become more aware. It has allowed me to take inventory of my feelings. I do not want to walk through life numb, looking for something or someone to thaw my heart. I am in charge of my life and my heart. I will continue to search for my light.
Warm rays piercing veils
of foggy mist encasing
my slow beating heart
I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas filled with love, laughter and cherished moments with loved ones. Happy Holidays!
I opened my Facebook feed and one of the first posts I saw was from Simple Reminders and todays message was, “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done it’s always your choice. – Wayne Dyer” This is the … Continue reading
I am sitting on my dads couch watching the flames dancing in the fireplace when another “after shock” hits me. My mind flickers the cold hard truth through my body, Matt is not here. I literally have to shake my … Continue reading
The Holiday season keeps drawing closer and while I am busy preparing myself for our travel back to California, I have heart flutters when I think about spending the first Thanksgiving with my Dad’s side of the family in over … Continue reading
Lately I have had little flashes of moments from my life in Sydney. I guess I shouldn’t say lately, I have them often. However, I have struggled a bit as of late. I have fought off getting sick, I am … Continue reading
Grief is a strange and powerful emotion. Many people experience some form of grief in their lifetime and may not realise it. Losing a job, divorce, or a horrible break up, to losing a pet are a few examples. For … Continue reading
As I was sitting on the final leg of my journey back to Georgia and in-between trying to sleep a bit and snacking I tried to reflect on my quick trip back to California. With the Giants in the World Series, … Continue reading