I recently saw a post on “Second Firsts” Facebook page that read, “I felt so much, that I started to feel nothing.” I read the comments that followed below and instantly regretted my decision. Christina Rasmussen mentioned in her status that she spent at least seven years completely numb and that she shut down everything to survive the loss. Here I am 9 months in and I felt that I was surviving fairly well. By trying to keep a positive mind-set and having my children to keep my heart warm, I saw my life moving forward.

Reading all the comments people were posting I once again threw myself into self-doubt. There were hundreds of responses and a good portion of the ones I read talked about how it took then 5+ years to thaw their hearts and to release them from their numb state. I started to wonder, am I numb and I just don’t know it? So the days that followed I took note of the way I acted and felt.

I had fleeting moments of joy and more moments of irritability. My interactions with my kids seemed half-hearted because I am low on energy and burnt out. I am not sure if maybe I am feeling this way because I’m subconsciously fearing the pain that is heading my way with Christmas around the corner. Or maybe I am so devoid of emotions because I have felt so much that I am no longer able to feel anything completely. Am I reduced to temporary excitement and joy?

I even had a friend comment that in pictures the light that use to be in my eyes is gone. I looked back at pictures from before Matt passed and after and I can see what she was talking about. I want so badly to have the light return but I also know it is not something I can just turn on. I am aware that I own my emotions, that I can change my perspective any time I feel. But honestly, it gets tiring.

I will say this, by reading Christina’s post it has helped me become more aware. It has allowed me to take inventory of my feelings. I do not want to walk through life numb, looking for something or someone to thaw my heart. I am in charge of my life and my heart. I will continue to search for my light.

Warm rays piercing veils

of foggy mist encasing

my slow beating heart

I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas filled with love, laughter and cherished moments with loved ones. Happy Holidays!