My heart was instantly constricted, like being squeezed in a vise. I saw in my rearview mirror an ambulance coming up behind me. Tears started to form in my eyes. This was not a normal response for me, but after … Continue reading
In one of my favourite books, The Untethered Soul, one of the last chapters is called “Contemplating Death.” The author brings up a valid point about how if we were the ones to pass on before our partner, wouldn’t we … Continue reading
Some of my life’s greatest work was created or inspired by another. For so long that one person was Matthew. Together we created the most important and special creation two humans in love can create, children. On top of that, … Continue reading
I strongly dislike the word widow. Whenever I say the word my body and energy kind of shrivel and cringe. What kind of image comes to mind when you hear the term widow? Why are people who have lost a … Continue reading
March 7th will mark the one year anniversary of Matt’s passing. It is still very surreal for me to put into words. How can a year already be upon me? It feels like yesterday that his death happened so quickly. … Continue reading
Lately I have had trouble finding the words to describe the way I feel. Mainly I am focusing on getting my homemade presents in order and my little brother’s visit that my mind hasn’t started nagging me about the “first” Christmas without Matt. Of course I know the day is looming but with so many distractions I haven’t dwelled on the future. Plus, I have learned that giving the future too much attention only cause more heartache and anxiety. Since nothing major has happened with my emotional state (yet) my writing feels
uninspired. I have turned to poetry when all the thoughts in my head don’t seem to make sense. I long to get my emotions out but I can’t put together the right sentences or overall message of my posts.
I do not want the anticipation of Christmas to cloud my judgment and send me down a road of pain and sorrow when it is not necessary for the time being. Yes, I am sure the closer we get the harder it will be to keep the distressing thoughts at bay but in this moment I will be present. There is beauty all around me and if I give in to the self-defeating thoughts the point of the season will be lost.
With that said I will leave you today with a haiku I wrote. Yes the tone is one of sadness and in contrast to the perserving attitude I am feeling today but this haiku explains the loneliness I feel every day no matter how strong I may seem.
lingers in my longing heart
without you I’m lost
I am sitting on my dads couch watching the flames dancing in the fireplace when another “after shock” hits me. My mind flickers the cold hard truth through my body, Matt is not here. I literally have to shake my … Continue reading
Matt had the most beautiful eyes. I would often say their colour made the ocean jealous. They would change from a blue-green colour to a gorgeous blue with yellow rays shooting out from the iris depending on the colour of … Continue reading
The Holiday season keeps drawing closer and while I am busy preparing myself for our travel back to California, I have heart flutters when I think about spending the first Thanksgiving with my Dad’s side of the family in over … Continue reading
Lately I have had little flashes of moments from my life in Sydney. I guess I shouldn’t say lately, I have them often. However, I have struggled a bit as of late. I have fought off getting sick, I am … Continue reading