Sirens

My heart was instantly constricted, like being squeezed in a vise. I saw in my rearview mirror an ambulance coming up behind me. Tears started to form in my eyes. This was not a normal response for me, but after …

Thou Shalt not Judge

In one of my favourite books, The Untethered Soul, one of the last chapters is called “Contemplating Death.” The author brings up a valid point about how if we were the ones to pass on before our partner, wouldn’t we …

Muse

Some of my life’s greatest work was created or inspired by another. For so long that one person was Matthew. Together we created the most important and special creation two humans in love can create, children. On top of that, …

To Ask or Not to Ask

C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed, “I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate if they do, and if they don’t.” As mostly an …

I still…

I still wear my wedding band because in many ways I still feel very much married to Matthew. I still have most of his clothing, some of it in boxes and some of it I wear to bed. I still …

Existing

One Fit Widow posed a question recently asking if we were living or merely existing. I knew right away how to answer the question…I am existing. Is it bad to just exist? Especially when it hasn’t be a year since …

Numb

I recently saw a post on “Second Firsts” Facebook page that read, “I felt so much, that I started to feel nothing.” I read the comments that followed below and instantly regretted my decision. Christina Rasmussen mentioned in her status that she spent at least seven years completely numb and that she shut down everything to survive the loss. Here I am 9 months in and I felt that I was surviving fairly well. By trying to keep a positive mind-set and having my children to keep my heart warm, I saw my life moving forward.

Reading all the comments people were posting I once again threw myself into self-doubt. There were hundreds of responses and a good portion of the ones I read talked about how it took then 5+ years to thaw their hearts and to release them from their numb state. I started to wonder, am I numb and I just don’t know it? So the days that followed I took note of the way I acted and felt.

I had fleeting moments of joy and more moments of irritability. My interactions with my kids seemed half-hearted because I am low on energy and burnt out. I am not sure if maybe I am feeling this way because I’m subconsciously fearing the pain that is heading my way with Christmas around the corner. Or maybe I am so devoid of emotions because I have felt so much that I am no longer able to feel anything completely. Am I reduced to temporary excitement and joy?

I even had a friend comment that in pictures the light that use to be in my eyes is gone. I looked back at pictures from before Matt passed and after and I can see what she was talking about. I want so badly to have the light return but I also know it is not something I can just turn on. I am aware that I own my emotions, that I can change my perspective any time I feel. But honestly, it gets tiring.

I will say this, by reading Christina’s post it has helped me become more aware. It has allowed me to take inventory of my feelings. I do not want to walk through life numb, looking for something or someone to thaw my heart. I am in charge of my life and my heart. I will continue to search for my light.

Warm rays piercing veils

of foggy mist encasing

my slow beating heart

I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas filled with love, laughter and cherished moments with loved ones. Happy Holidays!

Strength

I opened my Facebook feed and one of the first posts I saw was from Simple Reminders and todays message was, “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done it’s always your choice. – Wayne Dyer” This is the …

Fire

I am sitting on my dads couch watching the flames dancing in the fireplace when another “after shock” hits me. My mind flickers the cold hard truth through my body, Matt is not here. I literally have to shake my …

Holiday Season

The Holiday season keeps drawing closer and while I am busy preparing myself for our travel back to California, I have heart flutters when I think about spending the first Thanksgiving with my Dad’s side of the family in over …